the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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