I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
