I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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