So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.