I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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