you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
