Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
