I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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