you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
