phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We are all done wearing pants today
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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