dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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