I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
