this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I deserve this hangover.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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