I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
