I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
