I cannot find my penis.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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