Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
