Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
