theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
