It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
