who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
