fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
