my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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