remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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