i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
