woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
