Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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