Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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