You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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