those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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