I am spending my child support on dildos
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We just shotgunned beers for America
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
