he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
