My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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