Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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