At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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