I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I need to calm my uterus...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
