woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have aggressive nipples.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
