Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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