i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
