How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
