hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
