after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
