just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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