I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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