A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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