I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
