When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
