you traded sex for a burrito?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I have aggressive nipples.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
