Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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