people are starting to question the shark bite story
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
