Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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