I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
